Why Shinobi and Electronics Should Never Mix
by AbsolutelyNot10
Summary: Electronics melt your brain, as Hiruzen Sarutobi will soon learn. Poor Hiruzen. Poor, poor Hiruzen.


One fine day in the Land of Konoha, the Hokage was taking a leisurely stroll outside the village, when suddenly... he tripped. Picking himself up off the ground, he noticed a small, shiny rectangular object on the ground.

'_What is that?_' He went over to examine it, and had no idea what it could be. Hiruzen picked it up, stuck it in his pocket, and started the long and treacherous journey back to the village. At that moment… poor Hiruzen had sealed his fate.

_**Line Break**_

Upon arriving back at the village, Hiruzen immediately started towards whichever ninja was in charge of research.

''Hello, Random ninja-san,'' he said. Random ninja-san stood up and bowed quickly.

''Hello, Hokage-sama! How can I help you?'' Hiruzen handed him the object.

''I'd like to know what this is,'' he said. Random ninja-san frowned.

''I don't know what this is,'' he said. ''Sorry. But what's this?'' He reached out and tapped a circular button. Instantly the rectangle sprang to life. Light sprang from it's every pore.

Random ninja-san gasped. ''This is-We've never seen anything like this before! Thankyouhokagesamawewouldlikepermissiontostudythisandkeepit(andmaybemassdistributeitto

thevillage)thankyou.'' With that, Random ninja-san pushed Hiruzen out the door and slammed it.

Hiruzen blinked. Well, that was rude, but he needed the object studied, and what better person to do it than Random ninja-san? After a few more moments of thought, Hiruzen shrugged and went off on his merry way.

_**2 weeks later**_

Hiruzen felt great. He had spent two weeks recovering from a sudden illness, and was now healthy as a horse. He stepped out into the open...only to bump into a passing ninja as he went past.

''Sorry,'' the ninja said absently, completely absorbed in the glowing device that looked suspiciously like the one he had found…

Hiruzen's ninja instincts kicked in, and he used his mad ninja skillz to teleport to Random ninja-san.

''What is the meaning of this!'' Hiruzen yelled. Random ninja-san barely looked up from his glowing screen, jabbing at it with a few fingers.

''The meaning of what?'' he asked nonchalantly.

Hiruzen screamed,''Almost every single person in the village has one of those glowing rectangular screens! No one is paying attention!''

Random ninja-san laughed. ''Chill, dude. They're not doing any harm. And you're so old-fashioned. We call them iPads now.''

Hiruzen was dumbstruck. '_Old fashioned..._' Hiruzen was pushed out the door in favor of those...those...'_iPads_'.

He fell to his knees. This had to stop.

_**Meanwhile… **_

Meanwhile, Orochimaru was in his traveling evil lair/laboratory. ''_Hee-hee-hee_'' he giggled to himself. '_Just one more milliliter of chakra..._'

(A/N: Yes, chakra can be measured in milliliters. Don't question it.)

Suddenly, a spider appeared and crawled up his arm. Orochimaru let out a high-pitch squeal, and accidentally released _10_ milliliters of chakra into his evil bucket. It exploded, violently.

''That's it!'' Orochimaru yelled. ''This place has no decent showers, bugs everywhere, no privacy, and _ugh_, where are the hot tubs?'' He stomped to the door. ''I'm out of here.''

He scribbled a quick note to his lab assistants/experimentees, but stopped, struck by a sudden thought.

'_Wait… where will I go?_' He glanced down and saw a magazine article.

''Mind-numbing electronics spreading across the Land of Fire!'' it proclaimed. Orochimaru cackled evilly.

'_I know that old fool Hiruzen will be up to his neck trying to solve it all… It is time to hatch my plan which I had conveniently in my drawer waiting for this moment to arise!_' ''AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHUHAHAHAHH!''

_**2 months later…**_

Hiruzen ran screaming through the streets in frustration. Nothing had worked… banning iPads, stopping production… he had tried everything!

Suddenly, someone tapped his shoulder. He turned to see… the one and only OROCHIMARU.(Insert Akatsuki music™).

Because Hiruzen is a good guy and Orochimaru is a bad guy, Hiruzen tried to attack Orochimaru. Orochimaru stopped him.

''I haven't come to fight. I know you're problems and I can solve them… for amnesty!'' he said, grinning eerily.

Hiruzen spotted a ninja. ''Hey! Come help me fight this guy!''

The ninja looked up. ''I heard there was a Mewtwo here.''

Hiruzen turned back to Orochimaru. ''Fine.''

_**Line Break**_

''And you're sure you're plan will work? It will stop them from obsessing over these iPads?''

Orochimaru grinned. ''Sure, sure, just sign here.'' Hiruzen glared suspiciously, but signed. However. Hiruzen was going blind, so he conveniently overlooked the fine print.

Orochimaru smiled creepily. ''I'll just get to work.''

_**Later**_

''Orochimaru!'' Hiruzen roared.

''Yes?'' he asked.

''YOU SAID YOU'D STOP THE IPADS!''

Orochimaru got up. ''Now, look here. This is slightly smaller than an iPad. I call it the iPhone. They aren't obsessed with iPads, they are obsessed with iPhones.''

Hiruzen was stunned. '_Curses! I_'_ve been outdone!_'

Orochimaru held up the contract. ''Also, look here. You see the fine print? I know you're a blind old geezer, so I will read it to you. Ahem. '_I, Sarutobi Hiruzen, hand over the title of Hokage to Orochimaru._' Witness, please confirm.''

''Mm-hmm,'' said a random guy sitting on a chair without looking. ''Also, thanks Orochimaru-sama for the free iPhone.''

''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''

The moral of this story is that if you trip on something, do not pick it up. Certainly do not trust anyone with it. In fact, don't trust anyone at all.


End file.
